His Eye is on the Sparrow -

Today was a hard day. I don't really know why. :) Some days just are.

I'll bet you know what I'm talking about....

I wasn't discontent or worried or angry or anything - I've had a very wonderful week and a very wonderful past few weeks, and I've got little to complain about.

Still, I can feel myself shutting off. Not shutting down, just shutting off.

In fact, I'm typing right now, and when I write something out that is true and real, but sounds ... well ... odd to those of you removed from loss or suffering, I find myself hitting *delete, delete, delete, delete*. Because if you have not been there, in the valley, my dear friends, you know not of this. You know not of standing at the sink and gulping air just to BREATHE.

Lord, my breath and Wellspring of Life everlasting!

I find myself dreading the 1sts all over again. I hate firsts. I hate first anniversaries and first visits back and first emotions and first *delete delete deletes*. ;) I'm pushing through all of them, because, what else do you do? You breathe and you walk and you RUN until you've outrun everything except your own ability to breathe. I feel blinded, and panicked.

Lord, my Comfort of All, and the God Who knows!

I find myself lying in the dark after yet another bad night, and saying "It wasn't supposed to be like this!!! It wasn't supposed to be like...this." Searing pain. In my heart. Missing family. Missing grandparents, both by relation and by honorary. Deep desperate loss.

Lord, the Lover of my soul, Who holds me in every sorrow!

"It wasn't supposed to be like this!" .... but it was. And it is. And the God I love is holy.

I'm probably going to regret publishing this....often when I write things from the heart, I allow Satan to tell me that it didn't matter to anyone....or allow fear to overcome the joy I get from writing, and sharing with you! You who walk through suffering, or perhaps instead know of those who do. Well, no more for you, Satan. This blog is for Jesus, anyways. And God is glorified in my suffering and in my sorrow, because He is One who gives and takes away! :)

The God I love is holy, good, and giveth us more than good, He giveth the best.

Here's one of my favorite hymns -

"His Eye is on the Sparrow" by Civilla D. Martin (1905)

"Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?

Why should my heart be lonely, and long for Heaven and Home?

When Jesus is my portion, my constant friend is He!

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain:

I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free!

For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me!

"Let not your heart be troubled", His tender word I hear,

and resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;

Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain -

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,

When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,

I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

~

Praise and bless the Lord Who is my Savior....for He watches me, knows me, and loves me.

.... and He will always be MORE than all of this.

With love, and hugs to my friends walking their deep valleys,

~ Jean Marie ~