Thursday, November 3, 2016

Here's my heart, Lord -


"Those who can soar to the highest heights can also plunge to the deepest depths
and the natures which enjoy most keenly are those which also suffer most sharply." 
- Lucy Maud Montgomery -

All my life people have told me that I love too hard. That I don't let go well enough. 
That I should hold it in instead of spilling it out, and most certainly, don't spill it out where people can read it.
Sometime in the middle of my grief over losing someone in my mid 20's, I finally realized that was a bunch of bull.
So I kicked that theory out the window and kept on writing and loving and being Jean Marie. 

I will forever believe that the people who say "don't be" haven't been closely on the
 receiving end of that love or haven't understood that there's no changing it. 
Somewhere in me from when God made my curly red hair and fiery spirit,
He also made a heart that would weep for orphans, want to hold the grieving, show up at far-away-funerals,
love when love wouldn't give back, and not let go just because everyone else says so. 

Lately I've been repeating to myself that suffering is not meaningless. 
It isn't because God says it isn't. And the way God designed my heart isn't a mistake either.
God gives attributes to His children to use them mightily, wildly, deeply, beautifully, unexpectedly...
for His glory and to the praise of His great Name. 

For a few months, I thought I had an idea of what that might be....now I don't. 

But as I repeat to myself that God doesn't make mistakes, 
I'm also praying deeply that God has plans for little old me, 
for my wild, deeply loving, unruly, ready and readily wondering heart. 

Here's my heart, Lord. Use me. 

- JM -