Saturday, June 27, 2009

I'm turning 21 tomorrow -

... and my wonderful and sweet sister wrote such a special (and kind! haha) poem for me. She assented to me sharing it with you all, which I was very pleased about. :) It truly moved me to tears when I read through it. And oh, the goodness of the King and Savior of my soul, to bestow such mercies upon me, and giving me more than fading beauty. Thank you so much, Kimberly! I'm so thankful to God for giving me you as my sister for all of my 21 years! :D

I love you all, peasants and rich gentry alike. :)
My soul doth delight in the Lord,
~ Jean Marie

"Happy birthday, dear sis . . . ~ Kimberly
Jean Marie Fambrough . . .
She has such a fair beauty,
That never shall grow dim or frail.
Its fairer than its ever been,
And knows no final end.
For when her blushing curls are turned,
Her head be crowned a snowy white.
Her fairness shall have never been,
So clear, so ever bright.
For there is something 'bout her frame,
That's more than fading beauty.
'Tis deemed an "incorruptible" nature,
And "precious in the sight of God".
'Tis a beauty that is known, indeed:
"The hidden person of the heart".
(qts from I Peter 3:3-4) "

Friday, June 26, 2009

It's a Birthday day...a week late. :D

So, my post is a week and a day late. Oh, well. Things, and life ... have gotten in the way.

But we will put up all this Happy Mama Day up now. :) 'Cause Happy Mama Days should be celebrated as long as any and all mamas are around, in my way of thinkin'. :)

This will mostly be a picture post of her sweet little self, because all that I have to say, is that - behind every great daughter, is a great mama. Haha. Okay, okay, so I revised that. In my case, while I am not great, the great attributes that God has given me, my mother has watered, weeded and nourished and continued to encourage to flourish in me. She chastens and rebukes me down to smaller sizes of myself and greater sizes of grace and humility. I am grateful, because I am needy, and because she does it so lovingly.

She fulfills that huge and scary role in my sister and I's life of being our mother. Haha. :) And she does it well. There are so many things that I see in her that I want to be when I grow up. (For the reminder, even though I am turning 21 in 2 days, this does not mean that I will be then grown up...haha)

My Mumma is not perfect, but she is my Mama, and I wish for no other to call so. She is our dearest Marmee, I am Jo ... haha, and Kimberly is Meg. Or Beth. She switches off. :) My Mumma doesn't have to be perfect ... I am just so thankful that God has made her my Mama. We are so blessed by her.

There is so much that I could say about her, but it is getting late for me, and it would take too many blog posts. :) As a friend adequately said today to me: "Your Mama is sooo cute." Ain't that the truth? (Mom will later correct me for using "ain't"...I promise) :) You will see this cuteness in the photos below -

Last year in Winter Park, sipping some Rasberry Smoothie on a hot, hot day. :)

April 2009, in Ohio for my grandma's 90th birthday. :) I had her sit on this swing, even though it was in the 40's, but felt colder and she wanted to go inside, she sat down and then was distracted, I took the picture, and I just love it to death, and she won't. Ah, well. :)

Like I said...cute and sooo lovely. Makes me grin just looking at her smile. :D
One thing that so touches my heart is my Mama's love for her own Mama, my Grandma Florence. She cares so deeply, stays in touch, and even though we don't care for her now- physically, here- she longs and prays for the joy of our Grandma to be full. She loves her Mama so very dearly, and it makes me just love both of them all the more.

My mama with her mama. April, 09
Oh, my. I think I might cry...this is my Grandma clasping my Mama's hand in hers, holding on tight. Loving, sure, secure. Just in that moment, all seems so right. That's how it is with mama's.
In the car, out in the literally freezing weather, admist all the stress and emotions of those moments, it's a special thing to take a smiling picture with my Mom to remember it by. :)

And now on to her birthday celebration on the 25th of June, 09, we celebrated by shopping and dinner and dessert at The Cheesecake Factory in Orlando. :) 'Twas loverly.

And here we find Daddy whispering sweet nothings into his wifey's ear. :) That's why she was smiling. He's good with things like that.
Daddy being shocked over Mama's cheesecake, haha. If you have not had it already, it is the Chocolate Coconut Cream Cheesecake, and it is by far, the best ever, it is like a Mound Bar made into cheesecake. Five stars. Just so you know now.
And then on Mama's real birthday, Thursday, the 28th, on Dad and I's way home from the convention, we stopped and Daddy went in and bought Mama flowers, and lovely flowers they were indeed! Wow! She was surprised and laughing and pleased. :)
A Boston Cream Cake lovingly made by our good friend Jackie, as her birthday present to Mumma. It was soooo good! Seriously, doesn't that just make you hungry? :D Thank you, Jackie!
We stuck some candles in and arranged them in a not so perfect way. Haha.
Mumma said "Oh, wow! How often do you get someone lighting your candles right there in front of you for you?" Hahaha! Good job, Father.
Our mama and her cake as we sang rather out of beat and with great fervor.
There's that lovely smile!
The cake in all its sweet, smooth, pudding-y, moist, dark chocolately goodness. And yes, we did eat the whole thing over the course of the next several days. It was good!
Mom with her card from Kimberly, with all our gifts in the Crate and Barrel bag. She picks out things, and we buy them. :)
Reading with great delight....Kimberly writes such lovely cards in beautiful penmanship.
Remember, this is a Fambrough Card. Haha. Writing on every space possible. :)
And my card, which I finished two days later. And a shell that I also wrote in for Mom. Which, again, gives me the ending for our post yet again, I rather like this. :)

"To: Mom, for your ___ birthday, ever lovely shall you stay, in the eyes of your daughters."

Not only lovely does she stay, but grows, as we see more and more what makes a Godly woman a Godly woman. :) Wifehood, Motherhood and Godly Womanhood become you, Mother.

Happy Birthday a little late, Mama, I love you SOOO much, and always, always will.

Your younger girlie,
grateful for God's blessings,
~ Jean Marie

Monday, June 22, 2009

Father's Day 2009 -

So, there's this guy.

He just happens to hold my heart until this other guy comes along, and holds all my Man Affection as well. He also happens to be handsome and charming and tickles me.

He talks and laughs and listens, shares joys and sorrows, prays over me, comforts me, holds me until my tears are over, gives me long hugs just because, and tells me how special I am on a daily basis. He talks politics, faith, the amazingness of God, church, freedom and war with me. He lets me roll down the windows and stick my head out, and play bluegrass as loud as I want in the car.

He takes me on dates to Cracker Barrel, and lets me talk as long as I have breath to. :)

He sings hymns in church with his whole heart, and prays to God like the Best Friend He is. He is moved by reading the Bible and I've seen him cry during communion and prayer. The knowledge of a man crying is not weakness to me ... it is a whole new strength when they love like my Daddy does.

He is just pretty much amazing.

November 2008 Mount Dora

He takes my photography and his photography seriously...and goes to the lengths for it! :D

He works incredibly hard when he sets his mind to do something, and makes sure it's a job well done. Jan. 2009 - Putting in a new door.

His wife loves him unabashedly, unreservedly and utterly. :)
His daughters adore, respect and cherish him.

The older one. June 16th, 2009
.... and the younger one. June 18th, 2009 (I had no picture of late of the two of us, so this will have to means something special to the two of us anyway. The Crown semi-trailer inside at the convention we attended. :) )

It is no wonder that for us ... just about every day is a day that we are happy that this man - is our Father. And that He leads us to the throne of the Almighty and Truest Father ever.

That man ... all of that ... is combined into our Daddy. Ed Fambrough. And all of those things he truly is. We are so thankful. Happy Father's Day one day late, Daddy!. :) We love you ever so.

I wrote upon a smooth piece of shell that I found at the beach..."For He commands and raises the stormy wind, which lifts up the waves of the sea. Psalm 107:25" for him to keep.

And wrote a Father's Day card ... on the envelope - "To: Daddy, for Father's Day - or one of many special days, rather. :)" And so true that is.
Some shots from my card for him. Which is what I will end this Father's Day post with. :)

"Thank you for loving life with me ... classical and bluegrass playing while you drive & I lay my head on the window & let the wind blow everywhere, the quiet not needing to be filled. I love you that way. Happy Father's Day. :) Ever, Jean Marie"

Ever thankful for my Heavenly Father,
and my earthly, loving Daddy,
~ Jean Marie

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Tiny tears in a huge well -

Tonight I was supposed to post my Mum's loverly birthday post that I've been working on all evening. It obviously didn't happen.

The words wouldn't come. The thoughts would not flow. The endearments of my heart for my Mama didn't sound right when they came from my heart to the keyboard. It all sounded wrong.

Life wasn't great. I was a little crabby and grumpy. Taking painkiller didn't help my emotions.


I was going to do these great posts on Mom and one for Dad for Father's Day. And then I decided, just like on Mother's Day...that I didn't like Father's Day being on a Sunday. Because the Lord's Day shouldn't be any day but the Lord's. And now I have a problem, because my birthday is next Sunday.

. See how my mind is working tonight? Yes, I know. I don't like it either.

The thing is ... my heart is heavy. For many reasons. That I can't talk about. And it hurts. And I hurt. And my soul is castdown within me. And that's why I can't blog about happy things.

Because some nights aren't for feeling happy.

Some nights are for standing in your bathroom for 15 minutes staring at yourself in the mirror and watching little tears make their little ways in little wet tracks down your cheeks, off your chin, into your hair, and onto your shirt. And not even bothering to wipe them away.

Some nights are for being as quiet as you possibly can just so you can feel like you aren't doing anything, and being anyone other than just you. And knowing that God loves you like that.

Some nights are for not even trying to formulate thoughts into prayer, and instead just thinking it - "Dearest Savior, leave me not forsake me...hide me in the cleft of the rock, cover me there with Your hand, comfort me, be with me, forgive me, love glorified in me....Who am I that God should be mindful of me?".

Some nights are for letting yourself cry all those seemingly tiny-sized tears of pain into the huge and endless well of God's almighty hands that cup underneath you to catch every single one ... and turn them into praise through the Holy Spirit for the mighty and wondrous works of a holy God..."Who heals all your diseases... who crowns you with lovingkindness".

The pain remains. The tears remain. The hurt still stays. I remain wounded and crushed.

The attitude changes.

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, praise His most holy name."

"I shall praise Him yet, the help of my countenance and my God."

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face, and then we shall know as we also have been known."

The peace and comfort come back. The tears seem bigger, now, strangely, and yet, so much better to have fallen, now that I know why I was crying.

Why I wept for the sins of man. Why I grieved over pride and strife. Why I hurt for long and wretched years. Why I need Him all the time. Why I feel alone in a room full of wonderful people.

How I came to love Him so much more since I became broken.

"Lo, Th'incarnate God ascended,
Pleads the merit of His blood;
Venture on Him, venture wholly
Let no other trust intrude;

None but Jesus, none but Jesus,
can do helpless sinners good!
None but Jesus, none but Jesus,
can do helpless sinners good!"
("Come, Ye Sinners, Poor and Needy")

A wonderful Savior is Jesus, my Lord!
A teary and thankful girl am I,
~ Jean Marie

Happy Lord's Day to the Father of all Fathers...the King of Kings...the Lamb exalted, the Spirit all holy and wise, the God most high and righteous ... to Him be glory and honor and praise for ever and ever. Amen.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

It's a special day!!!

It's my Mama's birthday today! :)

I have a birthday post a' comin', but didn't have time this mornin', since I'm heading out to be with my Daddy all day at a convention in Orlando. So please leave her a comment, and let her know how much she means to you, and wish her a happy day, and you can see tons of adorable pictures later.

I love you, Mumma, SO MUCH! :D Oh, and surprise! :)
I'm so thankful to God for you!!!
Your youngest girl,
~Jean Marie

She actually spent 20 minutes in the freezing April Ohio weather to take pictures with me. Thank you! Isn't she sooo lovely? :) And cute! :) Happy Birthday, Mama!!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Flu and the Holiness of God -

Thursday, June 11th, 2009Hello, faithful friends -

I am back! Sort of. :) I am over the flu and I greatly rejoice that fact many times over! I never knew flu could be that bad .... more on that soon. I have to put up this first -

*****Disclaimer: This is a warning that the following post will be on flu and all things flu, so even though I am not going to be graphic, I will be talking about it (real life, people!) and if just at the mention of throwing-up, you feel queasy or faint, etc, you will not want to read this, or you can skip around in the post, because it won't be all about the flu-feelings. :) Thank you. Do not say you weren't warned. Because you were. :)*****

Okay! Now that that is out of the way, we can get right down to it! Now everyone is leaning back in their chairs in anticipated horror of what I will say next. Ha...I should do that more often! (grin)

Jean Marie is not dead, to begin with....(Can we get a high five for the Dickens opening?-Thank you) She is not dead, and she is grateful. She is also very thankful that she did not have to go to the ER, because she has never been, ever, and the thought of the unknown as well as the known (ahem) terrify and freak her out .... oh, wait. Right. It scares her. Where was I? Oh, yes...flu.

Today, one week ago (I refuse to let this go half-way until tomorrow even though when I stop typing it will be Friday morning) at 7am, I turned over in bed. And turned over again. And shoved off all of my sheets. I opened my eyes and the room was: going up and down-and around and sideways-swirling-and the very thought of what it was doing-is now making me feel queasy. I have never in my life been that dizzy. EVER. I thought: "That feeling wasn't a dream? What is this?".

I somehow thought that life would be better if I sat up in bed. Ha. It surely was not. Then in my somehow sleep-crazed mind, I thought it would be great if I stood up. Start laughing. Because, obviously, it was not. Not only did it make the room go into crazy dancing mode, I found that my legs wouldn't hold down on the floor I went. Clenching my eyes shut in panic did not alleviate the incredible nausea and dropping-into-an-endless-hole-feeling. I lifted my hand to push back my hair, and stared, make that attempted-to-stare at my shaking hand and realized that my heart was beating so fast and loud that all I could hear in my ears was that sound.

Thankfully, my call to my sweet sister in the other room was heard, and she brought me a bucket, because I knew I wouldn't make it to the bathroom. (Don't worry...I won't write nasty stuff, wait...I will try not to) She also brought me a couple slices of banana to slow down my outright shaking. I was pretty sure that my life was ending, so I asked her to "Maybe wake Mom up?". Dad returned in short order, laying his cool hand upon my forehead, and I took my temp. with a thermometer. It read something like: 96.6 degrees. Yeah. Dad took my blood was super, super low. He had me sit up and my heart was beating so hard and so fast...worse than any pro-lapse I've ever had, and I couldn't breathe...blah, blah...I mean, you really don't care about the little stuff, right? I rather need to write this down, though, I have to remember how bad it was, so I can remember how good it is now.

*Okay, and for those of you who are wondering if I am exaggerating, I am really trying hard to put the whole truth on here, if I can't, I'll leave it out. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, and when I am sick, attempt to push through it, and take all the nasty medicines to get well as soon as possible. I guess this is my second disclaimer...I am writing all the hard stuff, to get to the overwhelming and amazing stuff. Deal? Deal.* Moving on -

I was really and truly quite sick. I have never felt that physically sick ever in all my (almost) 21 years of life. The combination of nausea and extreme dizziness and racing heart made me hope that this was a bad nightmare. It wasn't...and it was only about 15 minutes after that, that I threw up for the first time of many times for the next 24 hours. I very quickly emptied my stomach of everything that was in it...which, it being 7am, was nothing but fluids. The rest of the day is rather a blur, I laid there between Kimberly and I's beds on the carpet for most of the day, drinking water and juice and half hour to ten minutes later throwing it all up again. The dizziness was relentless and I took comfort that it was a "good week to have it", as well that it was only the 24-hour flu! Hopefully, lasting only 24 hrs. of vomiting. I spent the very long night that night on the floor and crawling into bed in the night/morning wee hours, only to spend those hours continuing to throw up now...was nothing. It hurt so bad to choke and heave and have nothing there.

*I gained, a whole new appreciation for this kind of that a dear toddler I know, Miss Abbie...struggles with, and has struggled with since she was very young. I held that bucket and said that I have "a better understanding of what Abbie feels like....oh, my...Poor baby, poor baby!". More on this later...the appreciation thing. *

Are you all dead yet? :) (wink)

Now that I think about it, I wonder how Kimberly ever slept next to that all night, I remember apologizing, but really, just amazing. I clenched that bucket with both hands sitting up in bed, tears filling my eyes, and all I could manage was - "Oh God....Oh my God". I was not I am not a swearing person, it was like I said - it was all I could manage. All my heart could say was "Oh God". I explained this to Mom, and she understood, and from then on...I didn't worry about what to say. It didn't matter.

Okay, so that was Thursday and Friday... and yes, finally, sometime on Friday, I stopped throwing up. Which was good...because I was running dangerously low on fluids and was dehydrated. Let's see: I did not move from the bedroom and bathroom until Sat., I crawled during that time, did not stand until Sat., which means that I did not look at myself in a mirror for 3 days, and had not eaten from Wednesday night to Saturday. I moved to the living room couch on Sat. and had chicken broth and jello and stayed there until Sunday.

For those of you who want to lose weight extremely fast...I know how. It's called...the FLU! Yes, yes! :) Wonderful, eh? I lost 10 lbs in 3 days. I am SO the success story for this weight-loss program, they should pay me.

The rest of all this pain is really not that important to anyone but me, because I lived it, and my doctors, because they, um....need to tell me how to recover from it. HAH. As if they... I meant, physically. Oh, yes, the trip to the ER, very thankfully was not made due to a deal I made with Joyce, a dear nurse friend of the family, of drinking fluids whatever it was...2oz. per 1 lb. of body weight? I made the deal, and didn't have to go. Nothing like scaring me out of my PJ-ed-for-4 days-mind, and thinking about going to the ER without makeup and not smelling sweetly of ... say, orange blossoms, or having a real need like...say, blood gushing from a bullet wound to the shoulder. Which would be SO much better than going in for dehydration!

Nnnoooooo....but, anyway, you are bored now. But I'm not! So, since it's my blog, I don't care. Hm. That sounded selfish. I need that little crossing out line....that Blogspot doesn't have. Cranberries.

Where was I before all this nonsense? Ah, yes! About to make sense to all of you who have prevailed through all this sticky mud to get to the sense of why ("WHY?" You scream to the ceiling-"WHY go through it all?") you were reading my blog. Ahem.

In all honesty, I had to have a bit of light-heartedness. Believe it or not, it is hard for me to blog about this. One: because I have never written about anything but the latest wonderful events and pictures and nothing physical on my blog, Two: because I don't know how much of the flu my blog readers and parents will approve or can take!, and Three: It is painful to re-live last week and think about what-all went on.

And you all roll your eyes and think - it was just the flu! I've had the flu before, and it wasn't like this. Trust me. It was not Sister Mary from Persuasion lying on the couch and saying-"But I really am very ill! They just do not understand!" :) Haha.

Did I mention that pushing myself to eat food while the nausea lingered was a very hard thing? I love food. Food is wonderful, I never have to push myself to eat food, unless it is...say, seaweed or raw fish or oysters. I draw the line at slimy and raw. I sat in front of the broths, puddings and crackers and tears stood in my eyes because I felt so sick at just the thought that I could only pray my way through eating half a cup. Needless to say, only when the nausea had passed, on Sunday and Monday, did I start eating half and full meals again, pushing myself to gain some weight. I never struggled with eating before, and man, it was incredibly hard.

Did I also mention that my dizziness has lingered? Say, as in, still being here, now. I sort of sling-shot myself around the house, in slow-motion, of course, push myself off walls, couches and counters to keep myself righted and standing straight. It is not nearly as bad as when I had vertigo-like dizziness during the flu, but still, it's a problem...we're still figuring out how to best settle those crystals in my ear to allow this to pass. So if you drive by my house and see me falling over myself trying to open the mailbox and close it like a half-way normal person, I have not had too much Root Beer... I am just attempting to stay upright and on my feet. Thank you.

Last week from Thursday to Saturday were some of the hardest days I've had in a long while. This is going to take more than one post to properly put all my thoughts and feelings into words, but I'll reward you with the real reason for all this flu talk....and actually, just now remembered the other half of my title! The Holiness of God. can I say this? I praise God and give Him all the glory for giving me the flu, because it drove me to a whole new level of wretchedness in my eyes. I recalled during some of those flu moments hearing a respected teacher of the Bible (I believe it was RC Sr, but I'm not sure, don't quote me) once say that handing God some of our own righteousness (without the Holy Spirit's working) made of our human hearts was so offensive to Him, it was like handing Him trash, or vomit. It was so unacceptable to Him that it was like....filth in His holy eyes. There I sat, with a bucket of vomit in front of me, thinking about giving in pride my works of righteousness in rejection of Christ's work on the cross as ALL REDEMPTION as this my Savior. It blew the analogy right up in shards in front of me. How could I have ever not seen the utter uselessness as well as offense that this brought to my Savior and God? Whoosh.

It's 2am on Friday morning, and even though I want to keep writing, I'm stopping. Because I have to leave at 9:30am for an ENT appointment and I need sleep. I'll finish this later. :)

Saturday evening - 10:50pm:
Hello again. :)
Yes, I'm back. Sort of. AGAIN.

So, today was a full day... after getting up at 6:30am to watch the Endeavor launch, we got down to the river, and it was scrubbed, but we refused to be defeated for getting up uncharisticly(or however you spell that) early, so we went to Sunrise for a cinnamon roll and coffee, and garage sale-ed...we bought a Ball quart jar for 25 cents and that's it...out of 3 sales, and then went to Growing like Crazy...the garden nursery. It was just lovely in the morning light and dewy and wet plants, I took 40 pictures. They will be a post sometime soon. :)

Still, there's nothing like watching the sad and disappointed tourists heading back to their cars after a canceled launch to make you feel a bit guilty and sorry for them all day long. :( Poor people...there were lots of out-of-towners. Due to a certain friend's ridiculous accusation that it was my fault, this is entirely false, because it was due to a gas leak on the external fuel tank. We get back to the house, and Dad says: "I can't believe you didn't look it up, and check it!" (At Haha. Thanks, Dad. Apparently it was canceled at 12:26am, (midnight). Dad knows he does this, I have no earthly idea. Especially because some of that grand thinking should have passed on to me.

NASA says this: "The earliest the shuttle could be ready for liftoff is June 17, however there is a range conflict on that date with the scheduled launch of the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter/Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite from Cape Canaveral Air Force Station, Fla.". Try saying that 7 times fast. What it means is: the Atlas is set to go up that day. And because the Patterson family is in town for that, I'm in favor for the Atlas that day. I know that makes all the difference and NASA now has no decision to make after hearing mine. (rolls eyes)

So ... it's time we get back to the flu. I know you say -"O, must we?" And the answer is: YES. We must. Where were we? Oh, yes. Wretchedness. The story continues -

It was Friday night. And the flu part of the flu was over(notice how I avoided using certain words? I'm so nice), but the dizziness and nausea was still incredibly bad. That night was the culmination of it all. Even thought it would still last for several more days, that night - was the worst. The dizziness was so consuming that opening your eyes was fine as long as you did not move your head one millimeter thus sending you on a spiral of churning gut, spinning head and heavy breathing.

I sat scrunched up in the bathroom in a ball, my head and cheek pressed into the cold hardness of the tub. I wished for any moment but that moment. For any sickness except that dizziness. Anything but that. But there it was. And blatant it was. Blatant and shouting and huge. The unfairness of it all could have drowned me many times over...I could have cried tears of pain, self-pity and woe. I know I could have, because I have before. I could have sat there praying and praying in selfish and spiritual blindness for it to be over as soon as earthly and unearthly possible. I certainly wanted that, and I know I could have, because I have before.

But I couldn't do that this time.

There was the dizziness and nausea screaming every time I made a move, and whispering every time I thought about anything but that. It was loud.

But something else was drowning it out.

It was the middle C of the raging, stampeding wreck of my physical and emotional song that had treble trills and pounding bass staccatos. It was solid. It was always present. It never went up or down, it remained at one note. It was staid. It was whispered sweet peace in my ears and gentle comfort to my soul.

It was what I knew to be true, reminding my soul, of the faithfulness and holiness of the God who loveth me.

I sat. And turned my drooping hand from palm down to palm up, never turning my head or lifting my cheek from its resting place. I was beyond any "WHY?"... "WHY?" didn't even matter anymore. Acknowledging my place before a sovereign, perfect, just, worthy, holy and righteous God did. My fingertips heart exalted: "Holy, holy, holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, and worthy is He to be heart shall make its boast in the Lord, for He has been slow to anger, He has not dealt with me according to my sins, He has been merciful. Holy, holy, holy is He Who sits upon the throne, and worthy is the Lamb Who was slain, worthy is He to be praised.".

He is worthy of my glory in giving me the flu. He is worthy to be praised, as I had the flu. He is worthy to be praised, as I couldn't see straight. He is worthy to be praised, because He hath already accepted the Sacrificial Lamb, and my redemption hath already been made certain, and my Redeemer hath already been glorified, and my soul doth already belong to Him alone.

Am I making sense yet?

I sat there and talked to my Mama about many things, and whispered hoarsely, in complete and utter amazement: "There is nothing. Nothing next to the holiness of God!!!!"

I was broken in many places that night, as I lay on the bathroom floor, the rug on the hard tile my bed. I was at the end of myself, I was so completely unsatisfied with Jean Marie. I was sick of Jean Marie. Jean Marie was nothing without the Person Who wholly satisfies her soul. I literally lay on that floor for hours. Awake. And laughing to myself of the complete stupidity of man. (And yes, I can say that, not because it is my blog, but because it is true) Why do we even think that we without God could possibly be better than we with God? It is ridiculous.

I couldn't handle any of my headset, the commercials made me want to hit something and the radio station didn't have a "brokenness" setting, so I used up a vast amount of my memorized songs and verses as my company.

And was wretched and crushed. Yet pieces like these were constantly and consistently running through my mind, pressing through my heart, comforting my spirit, calming my soul.

"Who is man that God should be mindful of him?"

"Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?"

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work in you, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. "

"Guilty, vile and helpless we, spotless Lamb of God was He, full atonement, can it be? Hallelujah! What a Savior!" (and every verse of this song...many times over)

"He hideth my soul in the cleft of the rock, and covers me there with His hand."

"Whatever my God ordains is right, I take content in what He has sent, His hand can turn my griefs away, and patiently, I wait, the day."

"I am my Beloved's and He is mine."

"You still reign in the deepest valley, You're still God in the darkest night...Oh, let your will be done in me, in your love I will abide, oh I long for nothing else as long as You are glorified! So, quiet my restless heart. Quiet my restless heart. Quiet my restless heart. In You. "

"Bless the Lord, o my soul and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all His benefits: Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies."

I reached a whole new level of wretchedness and brokenness on that Friday night.

And I never want to be healed of it.

I want to be that girl who lies on the bathroom floor and cries "Holy, holy" not out of myself...but out of sheer praise to a Worthy God. I want to be so broken that I don't like myself unless I can see Christ in her. I want to keep that humility that only comes from the realization of a sinner's place before the Holiness of God! Not only that, but the redeemed sinner's ownership of a new place solely upon the works of none of himself, but all of Christ. Christ as all redemption.

Can you see where I am going with all this? I can't believe I can't condense this in 5 paragraphs.

There has always been that one shelf that I can fall back on. When every other part of my heart has been torn down so that my sin is exposed, I can still fall back on looking and feeling fine. HAha. But God ripped that rug right out from under my feet, and I fell in a very ungraceful, ugly, dirty, wounded little mess. Make that big mess. And I knew it. I felt unworthy in every possible way, which I equal as pretty big brokenness for me.

If the flu is what it takes to make you that broken, I'm praying the flu on all of you. You will thank me. One day.

Because this wretchedness of heart? This joy? This sheer delight in letting the Lord have it all, whatever His will desires, and just as long as He is glorified will my heart be satisfied? This dying to all of self and trading it all in for the righteousness of Christ?

This brokenness

I wouldn't trade it for the wholeness I had before.

It pales in the light of His glorious face.

It not only pales, it disappears.

And I finally think I ran out of words to say on this early Sunday morning at 1:15am. :) It no longer matters if I have more than 2 comments on this post, it no longer bothers me if anyone reads it.

As long as He is glorified, I will long for nothing else.
~ Jean Marie

One more thing - a huge thank you to my family, who cared for me so lovingly and self-lessly, who played the piano and read the Valley of Vision to me, who played the John MacArthur CD for "just one more time", who made all sorts of food to tempt my angry tummy, who prayed over me, and just all around took care of me. You all are the best. I love you so much.

And thank you very much to everyone who prayed for me, outside of the family, as well, because I needed it, I really did! I think many of them brought about the result of my blog post. :) Love you guys. Thanks.

Like a summer rain upon a withering and dying flower, so is the Word of the Lord upon my soul.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Alex Harris....

... is engaged!!!! :D SUCH exciting news that Miss. Sadie Beth in the UK alerted me to, and I shot over there to see for myself, and it's true! To Miss. Courtney Edmonds...I am just thrilled at this latest work of the Lord in Alex's life, to see the fulfillment of a wife provided for him, the answer to my, and many other's prayers for him! :)

HOORAY! Head on over to The Rebelution, if you want, and give them your congratulations and joy! I did. :) I was commenter #169...considering the number of Rebelutionaries there are - I got there ahead of lots of the stampeding crowd. :) May God be praised and glorified through their union and their lives.

In joy of God's provision for a fellow bro in Him,
~ Jean Marie

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Facebook or Austenbook? :)

Oh my, my, my!
Well, friends - in my readings around the World Wide Web on Wednesday, I came across this fun piece of work, and just had to post it...being the Austen fan that I am.

I must say, I was excessively diverted ... and given to frequent bouts of laughing fits. Especially upon mention of "Mary King, that nasty freckled thing" due to my own state of skin. (wink) It is just so delightfully charming and like I said ... excessively diverting. It does help if you know about Facebook, but not needed. :)

Hope you enjoy getting a good laugh out of it as much as I did! :D HAHA HAHAHA HAHAA!

Love to you all...
SO grateful for the King of King's mercies to me!
~ Jean Marie

Austenbook -
Charles Bingley is renting a house in Hertfordshire!
Mrs. Bennet became a fan of Charles Bingley.
Kitty Bennet can't stop coughing!!!
Charles Bingley is now friends with Mr. Bennet and Sir William Lucas.
11 of your friends are attending Assembly at Meryton.
Fitzwilliam Darcy is dreading this evening.
Charles Bingley and Jane Bennet are now friends.
Elizabeth Bennet is not handsome enough to tempt a certain gentleman. Ha!
Mrs. Bennet had a most delightful evening!
Mr. Bennet wishes that Mr. Bingley had sprained his ankle in the first dance.
Elizabeth Bennet promises never to dance with Mr. Darcy.
Fitzwilliam Darcy became a fan of Fine Eyes.
Caroline Bingley is all astonishment.
Lydia Bennet became a fan of Officers.
Kitty Bennet became a fan of Officers.
Caroline Bingley tagged Jane Bennet in her note Visit us at Netherfield.
Jane Bennet finds herself very unwell. :(
Elizabeth Bennet is going to stay at Netherfield with Jane.
Louisa Hurst saw Elizabeth Bennet's petticoat and is absolutely certain it was six inches deep in mud.
Elizabeth Bennet is improving her mind by extensive reading.
Charles Bingley created an event: Ball at Netherfield.
Fitzwilliam Darcy is writing to Georgiana.
Caroline Bingley has suggestions for Mr. Darcy's domestic felicity.
Elizabeth Bennet and Caroline Bingley are attending the event Take a Turn about the Room.
Fitzwilliam Darcy feels the danger of paying Elizabeth too much attention.
Elizabeth Bennet is back at home. Thank goodness!
William Collins tagged 7 of your friends in his note I Propose Myself the Satisfaction of Waiting on You and Your Family.
Lydia Bennet does NOT feel like listening to Fordyce's Sermons.
William Collins is paying his attentions to Jane Bennet.
William Collins is paying his attentions to Elizabeth Bennet.
Fitzwilliam Darcy is not pleased to see Wickham in town.
Elizabeth Bennet and George Wickham are now friends.
George Wickham told Elizabeth Bennet about Mr. Darcy's evil deeds. ;-)
15 of your friends are attending Ball at Netherfield.
Fitzwilliam Darcy is dancing with Elizabeth Bennet.
Elizabeth Bennet is trying to make out Mr. Darcy's character and does not get on at all.
William Collins has been "rejected" by an elegant female.
Mrs. Bennet is all in an uproar.
Caroline Bingley tagged Jane Bennet in her note We're Leaving.
Jane Bennet is in London.
Mrs. Gardiner is visiting Hertfordshire with her husband.
Charlotte Lucas and William Collins are now married.
Elizabeth Bennet is at Hunsford visiting Mr. & Mrs. Collins.
Elizabeth Bennet thought that the pigs were got into the garden, but it was only Lady Catherine and her daughter.
Lady Catherine de Bourgh thinks that Miss Elizabeth Bennet gives her opinion very decidedly for so young a person.
Elizabeth Bennet and Colonel Fitzwilliam are now friends.
Fitzwilliam Darcy is not afraid of Elizabeth Bennet. Well, maybe a little.
Elizabeth Bennet does not perform to strangers.
Charlotte Collins thinks she knows why Mr. Darcy visits so often.
Colonel Fitzwilliam wishes he weren't a younger son.
Elizabeth Bennet is furious at Mr. Darcy for separating Bingley and her sister.
Fitzwilliam Darcy is proposing to Elizabeth Bennet. It is not going well. :-/
Elizabeth Bennet is ??!!
Fitzwilliam Darcy tagged Elizabeth Bennet in his note My Character Requires This to be Written and Read.
Elizabeth Bennet realizes that she never knew herself until this moment.
Elizabeth Bennet has much to conceal when she goes home.
Lydia Bennet is glad that Wickham isn't going to marry Mary King, that nasty freckled thing.
Lydia Bennet and Kitty Bennet joined the group 1,000,000 Strong Against the Officers Leaving Meryton! {join!}
Lydia Bennet is going to Brighton with Colonel & Mrs. Forster!!!!1!
Elizabeth Bennet, Edward Gardiner, and Mrs. Gardiner are attending Trip to Derbyshire.
Elizabeth Bennet became a fan of Pemberley.
Fitzwilliam Darcy is surprised and hopeful.
Elizabeth Bennet and Georgiana Darcy are now friends.
Lydia Bennet and George Wickham are in a relationship.
Jane Bennet tagged Elizabeth Bennet in her note Bad News About Lydia.
Elizabeth Bennet is rushing home.
Fitzwilliam Darcy is determined to find Wickham.
Mrs. Bennet joined the group Widows of Men Killed in Duels.
Mary Bennet is consoling herself with moral extractions from the evil before her.
Mr. Bennet is back home and feeling guilty... but it will pass away soon enough.
Mrs. Bennet left the group Widows of Men Killed in Duels.
Edward Gardiner tagged Mr. Bennet in his note They're not Married, but They Will Be.
Mrs. Bennet is in raptures!
Lydia Bennet and George Wickham are now married.
Mrs. Gardiner tagged Elizabeth Bennet in her note Yes, Mr. Darcy Arranged Everything (and I think he likes you).
Charles Bingley is back in Hertfordshire with Darcy.
Jane Bennet and Charles Bingley are now engaged.
Lady Catherine de Bourgh is in Hertfordshire.
Elizabeth Bennet has been insulted in every possible method.
Lady Catherine de Bourgh is most seriously displeased.
William Collins tagged Mr. Bennet in his note Lady Catherine is Most Seriously Displeased.
Elizabeth Bennet is excessively diverted.
Fitzwilliam Darcy never thought to be made happy by a talk with his aunt!
Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy are now engaged.
Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy are now married.
Jane Bennet and Charles Bingley are now married.
Fitzwilliam Darcy rather enjoys being the object of open pleasantry.
Mrs. Bennet KNEW that single men with good fortunes would want wives.