I don't understand at all -

I'm an emotional wreck tonight. haha. Emily just sent me a few photos of Georgia Rose, who is turning 6 months tomorrow, and I sat there with tears in my eyes. She is so precious and beautiful and I love her so much. But tonight I've been trying to hold myself back from writing anything tonight, trying to edit photos instead, and honestly ... it just isn't working. And I've learned that it is not a good idea to hold myself back when I really need to write. 

What really kept me back from blogging is that I simply couldn't find any photos to fit this .... any of this. This crazy thing called Time that strips your brain cells away, with trauma-thrown shrapnel that erases memories of birthdays and anniversaries and anything not related to the days I spent weeping into the night. Those days are burned so deep inside that I won't ever/can't ever forget them. Meanwhile, I find myself struggling to remember things I learned when I was 8, simple piano techniques, how old my friends are, what I did yesterday, what I did the day before that, what I had for breakfast, what I went outside for, what I was writing just a second ago, what day of the week it is....

and yet all it takes is one magazine cover that I can't stare at because I see him in those baby eyes. 

Wednesday night I had the sweetest dreams while I slept. Oh, it was vivid. The splashing of the water with those little baby feet being washed, the sight of him wrapped up warm in a towel. It was perfect, calm. Waking up was the nightmare. In one split second, panic wrenched my heart awake in the realization that it was a memory and not reality. That until I reach Heaven....memories are all I have left. 

No. How could this be, Lord? 

It is the reminder that every day when I wake, no matter how much I can relive it in my dreams, it won't be reality for here. That no matter how much I believed He would say "Yes.", He said "No, love. Not your way.". That the unimaginable would be the reality. It would be their reality. 

I don't understand this, Lord. Not at all. I hate all of this, but I don't hate you, Lord. This gift of love from you to me that I give back to you. You love me too much to let me go, You never will leave us, You will never stop bringing us closer to Your heart of love. 

The pictures lie silent, untouched in iPhoto. Images dark with night and alight with sun that I can't bear to sort through. I feel robbed, robbed by Time, because Time takes me away from the days his heart beat here, his smile spilling into every photo his parents captured, there locked in my cell phone memory. The way he sang along with the hymns that break my heart the Sundays we sing them.

 Spring is coming here, and my heart beats fast at the thought of Spring in the New World. The lion lying down with the lamb. The marriage feast where the beloved raise their glasses with tear filled eyes as they gaze into the eyes of He Who shed His blood for His bride as He says "Come, Come."  

 "And this is just an invitation, just a sample of the whole, 
and I cannot wait to be going Home! Going Home! I'll meet You at the table.
Going Home! I'll meet You in the air. And You are never too young to think about it, oh, I cannot wait to be going Home. Face to face, how can it be? Face to face, how can it be? 
.... I cannot wait to be going Home. " ~ Sara Groves

I long for that more than I ever thought possible. Face to face, how can it be? Yes, that will be glory!

There is so much I don't understand, never will. I know my heart will never understand why God didn't heal Avery here on earth, and I will never understand why God chooses to heal some and give them glorious ways to proclaim His glory and for others, God takes them to be with Him. I don't understand how prayers for protection and healing  and answers go quiet when He says "No."

but I don't need to understand. I only need to know He loves me, that He is God and He is holy. That He hears me when I cry in the night and He hears me when I praise His name in song. 
That He is unchanging, wonderful, Giver of Life, Comforter, Sustainer, Friend, Lord, Father. 

That before the world began, He called us by name to be His: sons and daughters of the living God. 
That no matter who He takes away, no matter the trials and hurts and valleys - He will be enough
He will always, always, always be enough. 

"Hear my cry, O God; attend to my prayer. 
From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; 
lead me to the rock that is higher than I. 

For You have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy. 
I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings." 
~ Psalm 61: 1-4 ~ 

and to ALL who mourn, to all who miss their loved ones .... I'm praying this for you. That you know His love in a way You could never have fathomed, that You know You are His. Forever. 

John and Audra - I never stop missing Avery or loving him. I love you both and Henry so much. 

With much love,
~ Jean Marie ~  


  1. So beautiful, Jean.
    Love you! mcd


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