Trust -

The last couple of nights as I've lain in bed,

the thoughts tumbling over and over and over,

I've come to realize something I think I knew,

but never really came to understand

until I lived it.

It's about trust in God.

Believe it or not, it's really hard to put

all my thoughts and everything that

I'm trying to get out of my head onto paper,

and in an order that actually makes sense

to anyone else who reads it!! :)

This is not a theology lesson, folks,

neither is it laced with Biblical passages.

It's just what I hold onto as TRUTH,

it's what I repeat to myself

while I sit here crying at the pc,

while I sob in the car while I drive,

while I weep into the blankets while I "sleep",

while I whisper to the wind at the riverfront,

while I think day in, night out, every moment in between.

I don't want to write that ALL trusting in grief looks like this,

so let me just say, that this is what mine looks like.

Trust in deep grief prays -

I can't handle this, today or any other day - I trust You.

I'm frustrated I can't figure this out - I trust You.

I don't understand, and don't see how I ever can - I trust You.

I'm angry - I trust You.

I'm disappointed - I trust You.

I'm sad, I hurt, and I need - I trust You.

I can't find joy in this - I trust You.

I want to ask WHY all the time, but I know I can't,

because I can't be angry with You,

because I need You too much - I trust You.

I want our old normal back. I want so many people back.

I don't like this new normal life,

I hate that old things happen that should just be

normal joys, and are now really hard to get through -

I trust You.

I'm overwhelmed - I trust You.

I'm confused - I trust You.

I'm tired: physically, emotionally, mentally - I trust You.

You give grace for every moment,

and You don't give us more than we can handle,

but it feels like I'm drowning here, Father -

I trust You.

I don't want to thank You - I trust You.

I want to feel everything again, please make me

tender and new to Yourself, Jesus,

then again, I don't want to feel anything, make it stop

- I trust You.

You knew, and You did it for our good.

You knew, Father, You knew,

and You wept, more than we weep now -

I trust You.

I want to think and rest, but I can't,

and I'm so tired for trying to think and

get it straight when I know the glass won't be

any clearer ... so I just want it to shatter now,

even so, Lord Jesus, come! - I trust You.

People don't understand. But You do - I trust You.

God, I'm longing, I'm aching, I'm hurting ... but I trust You.

Trust - it's telling God everything that is on your mind,

how you are hurt and angry and don't understand,

and really, REALLY wish it isn't like it is ...

but knowing that God can take it.

He is SO unsurprised by what we think and feel.

He knows our hearts better than we do.

Trust is - turning everything that is dark

over to Jesus, and saying "here it is", ( & most likely

saying it again and again throughout the day! :) ),

and knowing that He takes it fully, and

that all I'm left with is -

I know my Lord doeth all things well.

Trust is: believing with all that is in you,

more than the breath you breathe,

more than the actions you do each day,

more than the moon rising and the sun setting,

more than anything you feel or think -

believing and knowing

that God has a plan that is good,

and that no matter what you feel like,

in those dark and deep and desperate valleys -

that trusting Him -

is enough.

Trusting, with everything I am -

~ Jean Marie ~

"When I walk through the shades of death,

Thy presence is my stay,

one word of Thy supporting breath,

drives all my fears away.

Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,

doth still my table spread;

My cup with blessings overflows,

thy oil anoints my head."

Listen to:

I will Trust You by Stephen Curtis Chapman.

....

so very adequately describes where some of us are,

and reminds us in Whom we trust, all day long.

(I love you, L.)