I wanted to shred every card -

Photo taken March 2012 - Looking from the ground up at Spanish moss dripping from Old Live Oaks. 


There is no normal anymore. 

Today I stood in the Wal-Mart card aisle feeling completely claustrophobic from being surrounded by everything pink, flowery, happy, sappy Mother's Day cards. But I wasn't buying Mother's Day cards ... I was buying sympathy cards for Mother's Day. For Mother's Day.

I was *this close* to just snapping and running every.single.one. of those cards through a shredder. I tried to get in and out of there as fast as I could. I was the only one standing in front of the sympathy cards while everyone moved in and out of the 2 aisles of Mother's Day. It stung. It stung that I was buying these, it stung that I was writing in these, it stung that I was sending these to my friends. It stung that I was standing in that section at all. It stung because I missed the people that make Mother's Day hard.

Words from a song flowed into my ipod earbuds to block the Wal-Mart music. The words sang of Heaven and the Lord hearing our cries. Tears burned the back of my eyes as I reached to read another card, and another, finding the one that tried to say as little as possible and yet still touch on huge, gaping loss. Touch on it in a way that says "I hurt for you...". There were a few. But just a few. And I was surrounded by hundreds of pieces of paper covered in pink and humor and flowers and "everything you deserve" lines that made me want to scream.

And as I stood there in that card aisle, barely breathing correctly for fear I would burst into hysterical tears and do some serious damage with a shredder ... I realized there is no normal anymore.

Normal is gone. It's gone, and probably won't ever be back. 

I'm an (almost) 24 year old who longs for Heaven, and knows grief and loss on a personal level.
I'm not planning for marriage, or babies or great personal life missions.
I'm getting up in the morning and telling myself that He is God. And only He. and that Heaven is real.
Heaven is my true Home and it's where I'm going. I might get married and have children before then - but even they will never really be mine. They will be God's, that I have to enjoy for awhile.
There is no other mindset I can wrap my mind around for these years. We are all God's.

Next week will be 5 months since we buried my friend beneath the snow, and I sobbed out my goodbye.
There is no normal in that - because death separates us. We are always with God, we cannot always be with those we love.

Sometimes I just get tired of being fine. So I decided to be real with you.
And to everyone who wants to shred some cards on Mother's Day -
I'm praying for you, and send you a huge huge Jean Marie hug. I love you.

~ Jean Marie ~

Comments

Jenna said…
It's so important to focus on the big picture... And that is God and HIS plan for us! All too often we {I included!} get wrapped up in this life, rather than turning our heads toward the One, true God and Savior.
Thank you for the reminder, dear friend. Your posts are always a blessing to me, and I appreciate your words of encouragement!

Love In Christ,
Jenna