Wednesday, June 9, 2010

He SEES my lost places -

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I'm still here.

I get overwhelmed by all the blogging that seems to be before me, for here,
knowing it should all go in order, in dates, with times and stories and memories,
pictures looking just like I want them to be, stories perfectly told, like I remember them.

There's so much to be told. So much to be remembered. So much to explain.
So much to write about, so much to think about, so much to put into words and paragraphs and articles and diaries and journals and letters and pictures. And all just like it happened.

Just like life. When did it cease to be all orderly in perfect boxes and come to be this?
HAHA, like it ever was. Sometimes I feel like someone shredded everything in life, put it in an airplane and unloaded it all in a confetti dump over my house, millions of shreds ... :) haha.

Maybe it's too much. Which is why blogging is overwhelming ... and discouraging at times.

Because I can tell you that on Memorial Day I walked and walked and walked and
I wasn't a sweet, trusting, faith-filled Christian girl who was praising God that she couldn't find something. Something she wanted desperately to see, something she needed to touch and hold.

It wasn't there.

Sand was there ... in my shoes, and weeds were there, scratching my legs. The sun was there, and it was hot, the wind was there and it was relentless, and everything that should be there
... was. Except what I wanted.

Except what I looked for. Except what I couldn't find. And I didn't stand there, after an hour,
and sing praises of thanksgiving to my Savior because He knew the reason it wasn't there.

I stopped and turned around 360 degrees and I looked at all that WAS there,
and I felt so lost and alone and hurt ... that what I needed to see, I couldn't. And I couldn't understand why. Surely, somewhere ... after walking for so so long, around so many acres, I would have to be somewhere it could be. I stood under the hot sun with the wind trying to fill the silence that ached and I felt Loss stripping away something at my heart that I couldn't define.

The need to SEE something that I couldn't. That I can't. That I won't. But HE sees it.
When I need to find that place ... when He prepares my heart to see it, it will be there.
It will be hard, and Loss will make my heart stop again, and I will cry seeing it.

(Waiting to SEE)
waiting to SEE

I cannot wait for the day .... when there will be peace in the valley, for me.
Not just for those whom I love that are already there, standing by our Savior's side,
His name on their foreheads, His words on their lips, His glory shining upon them.

One day ... my dearest friends ... we shall ALL fully SEE. And oh, what a glorious day that shall be!!! There will be no more searching for what we can't find or what we can't SEE.

We shall see ALL we need to. In the light of His beautiful and holy face.

Knowing my Lord fully sees all my lost places, all that I can't find and see,
I rest fully in that comfort, and rejoice that He makes them beautiful,
~ Jean Marie ~

P.S. Can you see how blogging soooo much might be overwhelming now? :)
Thank you for being patient and reading anyways ....

3 comments:

Molly said...

I always love reading your thoughtful posts, dear Jean...and it reminds me that someday we WILL be whole and I look forward to that day. (Being occasionally disappointed and depressed is a drag....but the way I'm learning to see it is that without the sad parts of life the happy ones lose their meaning in a way. :) )

John and Audra said...

Beautiful...

Shannon said...

You have a lovely way of writing, expressing thoughts that honor the Lord, which come from a beautiful, God-fearing heart.

Your Sister In Christ,
~Shannon~