February came fast -

February came fast. Very fast. Faster than I could wrap my mind around it. Much like January. January was the month after the month of hurt, and February seems too fast. Is anyone else feeling the same way? 

I'm going to say some truth now. Because I don't like blogging and sharing if I cannot pour out my heart. I do not claim to be put well together, perfect or even good. I do not claim to trust God every day, and I certainly do not claim that I glorify Him by any of my own means or will or self-righteousness. 

I do claim that God is glorified in the brokenness that is Jean Marie. 

He is not glaring at me because of my past sins. 

He is not causing me grief and giving me trials because He does not love me. 

He is not chastising me at every possible turn because I didn't measure up.

He is not waiting to heal people just to make me learn patience and holiness. 

He is not against me, nor does He take things away just because He can. 

No. He does it ALL IN LOVE and OUT OF LOVE, because HE. IS. LOVE. 

and in His timing, He will make all things beautiful. Can there be any sweeter thought? 

Perhaps I have listened to this song way too many times on repeat tonight, but I cannot stop listening to it. Those first few moments of pause and the first few chords and the first few words do me in. They do me in, my dear friends....because I am so overwhelmed by grace. They do me in, because I am so overwhelmed with grief. They do me in, because I am brokenhearted, broken and unworthy. 

How can You give such precious gifts, Father, and get such a small, brokenhearted thank you in return? 

How can You give me so much, and receive such weak efforts in return? 

How can You love me so very much, when I deserve none of it? 

How can You pour out and always be here with me, and I forget to be with You? 

"Lord, we adore Thy boundless grace...."

It is the nights that get me the most. It is the nights when I remember more. The nights it all hits me harder. The nights that I can't sleep. The nights that nightmares fill more often than good dreams. The nights that I awake and tears have wet my pillow, as I realize those ones in Heaven will not hug me anymore here. Will not send me e-mails, and will not laugh with me....

The truth. The glaring, aching truth that we will not see them for a long while. 

It is heartbreaking. There is no way around that. It is, and it always will be. 

February came too fast, because January was the month right after. But now February wants in. With its happy Valentines and its happy moments on my calendar. February is too far away from December. February is when people start asking if you are okay when you are crying in church, and don't remember why. And if they do remember, they don't understand why you are crying. Unless they are a few people who know you really well. :) February is when I'm supposed to be posting things that happened in January that I LOVED, but don't want to blog about, because my picture archive is right there. Right next to December. Oh December. And then it hurts too much. 

Moral of the story? I think I'm asking for patience. None of you have demanded posts. But I put this pressure on myself to give you all some joyful posts that really are so sweet, and I have a few. But more than that ..... I really would just rather be honest. Tell the truth. Be open. Allow me to grieve. Allow me to cry when it doesn't make sense to you. Allow me to be brokenhearted!! the truth ....

Because I am brokenhearted. Nothing can prepare you for saying goodbye to people you love. 

I am still reeling. Still shocked. Still hurt when people joke about things that just shouldn't be joked about when someone has just lost someone they love. Still aching. Still hurting. Even to write it seems to make it less than what it is. How I deeply, deeply miss my friends and extended family!!

and the beautiful beautiful thing to my heart is knowing that Jesus is glorified in this. He is glorified in my grief, in my brokenheartedness, in my brokenness, in my pain, in my tears, in my sorrowful cries. 

He is glorified because He is praised, because those we long to see have been redeemed, and are with Him. Because He has been good. Because He has been faithful. Because He is our glory. 

It brings tears to my eyes to know that this grief - this season now, was given in love from a loving Lord.
"He has unmeasured bliss to give, and joys that never die...."

Photos taken January 15th, 2012

Tonight I was reading something on Facebook, and immediately I picked up my Bible, and looked something up, and then I flipped back right to where I wanted to find that verse ....

"Hear my cry, O God; attend to my prayer. 
From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; 
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. 
For You have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy. 
I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings."
~ Psalm 61:1 - 4 ~

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to You. When my heart is overwhelmed, comfort me. 
When my heart is overwhelmed, remind me of Your love. For You have been my shelter in grief. 
You have kept me safe in Your arms and given me Your peace. We shall never be separated. 
I will live with You always and will abide in our Home forever. 
So I will trust You, and I will rest in You. I will be still, and know that You are God.
 In Your most holy and precious name, I pray. Amen."

I cannot tell you how astonishing it feels to type that out, sentence by sentence, as a prayer. I highly encourage you to write out, type out, read aloud Scripture. You will find yourself much more moved.

So be patient with me, and be very patient with those who are suffering and grieving. If there are those among you who are hurting deeply, serve them with prayer, some loving hugs, and a listening ear. It will mean more to them than anything else. It is our honor to pray for the saints.

Know that I pray for many of you, and long deeply for our reunion with our loved ones in Heaven.

In all this, Christ is glorified when our joy is founded in Him, and in Him we rest.
Thank you for reading, and for allowing me to be honest and share with you,
With much love, and joy knowing the Lord rejoices in His children,
~ Jean Marie ~

"Joy is not the absence of suffering. It is the presence of God." ~ Robert Schuller

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