Heights and Sorrows -

It hasn't been an easy week. 

It wasn't an easy Sunday, and it has just dragged into the week. Sunday found me with a panicked heart during church, so I sat down and decided breathing was better than singing. Lord knows I didn't want to sing anyway. Singing meant remembering and remembering meant crying and crying meant leaving and crying meant no oxygen and no oxygen meant tachycardic. So no singing was fine with me. 

And no matter how much everyone loves that song, it still stings. It does more than sting. It twists a knife into my heart and cuts deep. I made it through because my moans were the same tune as the bass line on the piano. Nothing brings it back like that song, and I can't stand it. Can't stand the flood of memories that surround me like a shroud and won't leave. I spend the rest of the day walking in a fog, trying to forget. 

So it was not a good start to my week. And today has felt like one big.....good reason to cry. I'm sure 5 nights of nightmares haven't helped this at all. I can't put my finger on what exactly it is, but I wake up panicked and knowing something is terribly wrong. It's exhausting and hard and I'm done with it. 

Today I realized something new. My prior belief about heights was that I didn't like them. I think I just rolled myself in with that crowd, because I assumed that was the only way. Either you liked it or you didn't. But today I realized that I love heights, I always have. 

I love heights, I just don't like jumping from them. 

When I'm at a hotel, what floor do I want to be on? The top one. I love planes, and flying, and I'm sure I could sit on top of parking garages and watch the scenery for hours. My favorite peaceful place is as high up a tree as I can go, and then snuggling in and closing my eyes. But jumping down from a tree? Nope. I love mountains, I love climbing them, I love standing on the peaks, I love daringly getting close to the edge. But jumping off a cliff into the water? No way. 

I'm a huge fan of bridges, and leaning way over the railing, feeling the wind and looking far out. But falling from one? That terrifies me. And it was today that I realized I actually love heights, I just hate the idea of falling from them and getting hurt. 

It was a few hours later that I would realize what a great analogy to my life that is. 

Life before sorrow is like the mountain top peak, when nothing can touch you and joy is all you know. 

Loss is the free fall, with no parachute and nothing to slow you down in a wind tunnel of panic. 

Grief is the smack at the bottom, with the wind knocked out of you and no desire to get up, you just want to breathe and want to be back up at the mountain top before life tossed you over the edge. 

It was days like today that left me feeling completely inadequate and unwilling to peel myself off the ground and do this hard, frustrating, confusing life. I am tired of praying. I am especially tired of praying for healing when I'm 99% sure that the sweet people I'm praying for will be gone to Heaven before I am, and that my desperate prayers for healing will not be answered like I want.

It is sad and it is hard and I can't help but scream because I want it so much for them. 

And I want to share some of those here, in case you would join me in prayer for these sweet people: 

1. My sweet friend Jamie (firefighter Jamie and EmilyBrower's bestie since forever)...Jamie's fellow firefighter and friend is on hospice care after a long battle with a very aggressive cancer. He's 27. Please be praying for him and for his family, and for Jamie too. 

2. Mrs. Stiemann shared the link on FB to her blog, I went on over, and spent the next hour reading through posts and crying. I've never met Kara, but I sure want to give her a huge long hug and pray with her. She is an amazing woman, and the recent results came back - Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. She's a pastor's wife in CO, and they have four adorable, young children. You can follow along with them here, at Kara's blog - Mundane Faithfulness. Please be praying for God's mercy in their lives.  

3. A hard anniversary is coming up for Avery's parents, John and Audra. Please be praying for peace, for tangible comfort and grace in their lives, and for those morning mercies to uplift their hearts daily.

Maybe you know just what I'm talking about, and have prayed your heart out too long and hard as I have. 

Tonight I want to share a song with you that has come to bless me during sad nights. 

And like every day, I go to bed, pray and hope and realize that in the morning, there will be new mercies and new grace and it will be just as deep for those who are aching to be healed. And in the night, the only thing that will comfort me is that it will not always be this way. That the King Who rules will take us to His kingdom, and we are promised LIFE always with Him. 

With love always,

~ Jean Marie ~ 

October 29, 2011 ~ Black Mountain, NC

You can listen to it HERE. The whole album is worth listening to! 

"Kingdom of Heaven" 

by Tyler Somers and Jennifer Somers (2011) 

"Where death shall be no more
No mourning, crying or pain, 
Every tear He'll wipe away
In the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Where nothing is accursed, 
a City with a crystal river.
The throne of God and of the Lamb
In the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Set your mind, your mind, your mind, on things above.
Set your eyes, your eyes, your eyes on the risen Son. 

Where there shall be no night, 
Nor need for sun to shine.
The Lord Himself will be the light
In the Kingdom of Heaven.

Set your mind, your mind, your mind, on things above.

Set your eyes, your eyes, your eyes on the risen Son. 

Behold, the home of God is with man (4x)

Behold, the home of God is with man, 
Behold, the home of God is with man,
Set your mind, your mind, your mind, on things above.
Let your heart, your heart, your heart, give Him all your love.

O let the thirsty come

O let the one who wants

Drink freely from the water

Of the Kingdom of Heaven."