In which...quiet descends.

In which - I say to my friends: "I can't handle (the grief and the reason)_____ (insert whatever here), I think I'm going to go to bed and .... pretend that my foot isn't wrapped up and my tendon isn't crushed, and that no one hurts in my world. Sounds good ... total denial."

In which - I pray for strength and don't feel any stronger, but I'm still praying, so I take that as my "strength" dose. It takes strength to not just give up and weep.

In which - I leave a comment on Mary Beth Chapman's blog, and hear myself thinking how much I need to take what I just wrote there to heart ... for ME.

"Grief...is like the song - "when sorrows like sea billows roll"...I live next to the sea, and the billows are never-ending, they roll and roll, connected to each other, pulling back, pushing forward, yet continually, bringing in beautiful shells and treasures. Grief only ends when our Savior's face we see. In Heaven.
The strongest you will ever be, is when you lie fallen at the feet of Jesus, broken in His arms, before the cross, completely humble and praying for moment by moment grace to LIVE this new normal that you don't love, but that you know He has made. For "My strength is made perfect in weakness"."

In which - I shut down my chat boxes because I can't talk about shopping for dresses without getting stressed out, and ask for some away time for a bit, because I might be close to tears of frustration.

In which - I think it may not have been such a wonderful idea to listen to the whole "Little Women" soundtrack, because I almost start crying .... about 4 times.

In which - I am so purely exhausted that everything on me aches, my eyes are sliding shut, I'm leaning on the armrest, and feeling the long day of walking hit me, but I wonder if I go to bed...will I be able to sleep.

In which - I desperately sing "It is Well" under my breath everywhere, even though for the past 8 years, I've only sung it about 5 times ... but now, this whole new level of grief...has plunged me to utter reliance upon the grace, mercy, and goodness of God's will...and so - I sing it.

In which - I write whole blog posts about 15 pages in length, sit down at the pc and can't write it down, because normal....has changed. To new normal. That I don't like - at all. And my friends' new normal is the reason my normal has changed .... and I know they are hurting.

In which - I hurt.
In which - I grieve.
In which - I can't cry, because something inside me broke or froze ... since 2wks. ago tomorrow, and I don't know when it's all going to explode again.
In which - I pray and ask for grace in humble reliance upon Christ.

In which - I edit pictures but choose ones with smiling faces, or teary hearts, and I hear all the words in my head, but they come out all wrong on here... and I wonder why people read this.

In which - my heart: goes quiet. He doeth all things well. My Lord shall never fail His people, great is His faithfulness, He is Wonderful, Counselor, Prince of Peace, Almighty God ...

... even when all of our hearts are breaking.

~ Jean Marie

"O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day."
(Come, Thou Fount)