4 Months -

 4 Months ago today I flew home from China (a very very long day of travel). 

I came home without CJ. The plan, of course, wasn't to come home with anyone. 

The plan was to love, and to love hard. 

The plan....didn't go as expected. Oh, I loved hard. 

But I didn't expect to grieve and agonize so much over leaving 

such a joyful little person back in China. 

I came home from China with empty arms. And it aches. Big time. 

I usually can't talk about him without crying. 

Sometimes I wake up in the night grieving the absence of him 

and the missing the weight of him in my arms. 

I can't think about handing him to the Nanny. 

The whole room cried with me as his wails followed me out the door.

"他是我的儿子
Tā shì wǒ de érzi" 
He is my son.

But he isn't. But "love I never knew...filled my heart when I met you" (Josh Garrels) 

I was filled with a love I couldn't identify. It was a love that the Heavenly Father speaks over me. 

I spoke it over my Courage Boy. 

Courage, dearheart. 

I love you a million times more than you know. Your family loves you. 

And most of all, Jesus loves you more than you could ever dream or imagine. 

- JM -