Friday, August 1, 2014

Five Minute Friday: Begin -

From Lisa-Jo Baker, the Gypsy Mama"On Fridays around these parts we like to write. Not for comments or traffic or anyone else's agenda. But for fun, for practice, for joy at the sound of syllables, sentences and paragraphs all strung together by the voice of the speaker. 
We love to just write without worrying if it's just right or not. For five minutes flat."

Today's prompt: Begin

~ Go ~

iPod Touch picture: July 8, 2014

It occurred to me yesterday that I am scared to go back.

In words that demand to be spoken and yet. YET. I cannot even begin to speak of.

I am going on a trip in a few weeks and I'll see people that I haven't seen for years. And it occurred to me yesterday that I'm terrified. I'm terrified that I loved too much and somehow it was all my fault. I know it is purely not true, my shaking head tells me even my brain knows it.

But my heart feels it.
And it makes me terrified and panicked to go back and be where once it all seemed to be a beginning.
And where it once felt like dreams had begun were now dashed farther than I would know or could ever fathom.

It makes me miss people who were alive then. It makes me hurt to know of how sad I really am.

It makes me take off my glasses and wipe the tears running down my face away.

Because as much as I love to remember the beginning, the ending is what I weep over. 

This life has hurt more than I ever ever ever imagined it would. I've lost far too many people.
The new beginnings have stung and ached and made me scream in pain and shatter pottery.
The new beginnings made me stand in the quiet of the cemeteries and hold it together just one.more.time.

There comes a time when the endings and beginnings run together and it is all a sobbing, whizzing blur.

I've always hated endings. I've always hated change. But I've always loved weddings.
And true love. And babies so soft and cuddly you could hold them forever. I've always loved giving love.

And that is why I'm traveling in a few weeks. Because in the ending and in the beginning.
In the joy and in the sorrow. In the pain and in the laughter. In the dark and in the light.
In the deep and in the high. In the mountain and in the valley. In the knowing and in the sharing -

God has been faithful. He holds the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds and knows their grief.
And He has written for us all our beginning and endings {Psalm 139}. The beautiful and the sad.

And He will be enough for all the new beginnings until the true Beginning of Forever.

"God would sooner cease to be, than cease to be faithful." ~ C.H. Spurgeon 

~ Stop ~ 

With love always,
~ Jean Marie ~

P.S. Lisa Jo - this safe place to write has opened up my heart in more ways than I knew possible.
 I've cried many times, and been surprised over and over again of how 5 minutes comes together in a story.
Thank you for inspiring this in all of us. I've been blessed. Much love and thank you always. 

3 comments:

shalomshannon said...

This is beautiful, well written and I feel it. Thank you for sharing your heart that I may connect with my own and God in the midst of it all.

Blessings!

Chelsea said...

This pulled at me in so many ways. My heart ached as it relates to this so much! But you are so right, in the endings and in the beginnings God is there molding and showing us that He is still there. Always there. Using those moments for our Good. Blessings dear girl. This was good for me tonight. ~C

Bethany Miller said...

This is a beautiful, and raw post. I feel these feelings as well. I know how hard it can be to go back to places from our past. Hang in there, and keep writing!